valerio

nothing good has ever followed “look at this website” after eleven at night. #

I have never written about Valerio before because there was never really anything to write, and I want to say that first because otherwise the Internet will immediately invent a novel where there was barely a paragraph. We went out once or twice. That’s it. It wasn’t serious, it wasn’t some lost love, it wasn’t a dramatic secret I have carefully hidden from Eclixar. It simply never seemed appropriate to put him here because why would I? Not everybody I’ve ever had a coffee with needs an archive entry.

Anyway, tonight Valerio appeared on MSN.

We haven’t properly talked in ages, so it was initially completely normal. `”How are you?”` `”What are you doing?”` School, life, people, the usual. Then he mentioned his girlfriend.

I didn’t know he had one.

Fine. Good. Normal.

Then he sent me her blog address.

I clicked.

At first I thought I was reacting because the colours were familiar. Then I scrolled.

Then I opened my own blog in another window.

Then I stopped thinking it was just the colours.

There were little things everywhere. The structure. Certain headings. The way bits of the sidebar were arranged. Phrases that gave me that horrible sensation of recognising my own sentence wearing somebody else’s clothes. Graphic ideas. Nickname things.

And then:

Bambolina.

I actually said `”WHAT?”` out loud to an empty room.

`Eclipse: Valerio.`
`Valerio: ?`
`Eclipse: WTF is this?`

He had no idea what I meant at first. I don’t think he sent it expecting any reaction at all. As far as I can tell he was literally showing me his girlfriend’s blog.

But Bambolina?

This is where I became genuinely angry, because yes, obviously `”bambolina”` is an Italian word and I do not own it. I am not insane. But Yuri calls me that. My boyfriend. That is why it appeared in my MSN name. That is why I put it in my profile. It came out of something in my real life, and now I am looking at a blog belonging to a girl I did not know existed until tonight and there it is among a collection of other things that already look extremely familiar.

Maybe every individual similarity has an explanation.

All of them together?

Come on.

I contacted her. Probably not with the diplomatic training required for international relations.

I basically asked: `”But excuse me, is there anything here you actually made yourself?”`

She denied copying me.

Completely.

Fine.

That’s her answer.

I am looking at two windows. I have my answer too.

The strangest part is still this: until tonight I didn’t know this girl existed. I didn’t know Valerio had a girlfriend. I had never knowingly visited her blog. And somehow I am sitting here feeling like I’ve seen pieces of it before because I’ve seen them on mine.

I need to go to bed because I am becoming more irritated every time I scroll.

Remember me, Eclipse.